The Air Is Running Out
by Can'tStopImagining
Summary: Even when nothing else was real, Nicky was. Lorna/Nicky.


A/N: I swear, I either can't write anything at all, or I want to write everything at once. Guess which mood I'm currently in? Just my take on that infamous stairs scene from 2.10. Enjoy.

* * *

She still doesn't know what to call it, what it is. When it started, even. It's a personality trait, she thinks, something that can't be changed, can't be controlled.

She was always a loner at school. 'Other kids just aint like you baby' her mother would say, and little did she know how right she was. Or wasn't. She meant it to sound positive, hopeful. Like she admired her daughter's differences.

It wasn't like she was crazy then, not really. She didn't like the other kids because she preferred to make her own stories up, play her own games. She had an imaginary friend from the time she was three til she finished kindergarten, but it never worried anybody. It seemed normal enough. So she was quiet and kept to herself – what should that matter? She behaved herself. They never had any trouble, not like they did with Franny. Her grades weren't great, but the Morello girls were never exactly known for their smarts.

The first time it became a problem, she was in eighth grade. Sent home for fighting. She pulled another girl's hair, scratched her face up real bad. Her sister looked almost proud of her. Nothing really happened. Her mom sat her down to talk, but there was nothing to talk about. She hadn't done anything wrong, had she? Lorna couldn't understand what the fuss was about.

She should have known then. But she didn't. Nobody did. Nobody paid any attention to Lorna Morello anyways.

If anything, people found it amusing. A cute little quirk. Lorna loved to make believe. She had a wild imagination. She spent hour after hour watching movies (musicals, mostly) and flipping through bridal magazines, dreaming about the perfect future. It was harmless, they said. Other kids teased her, but it was never anything she couldn't shrug off. Hell, her family teased her enough about it at home, but it never deterred her. Lorna Morello was gonna make something of herself. She was gonna meet the right man, settle down, have a dream wedding – the big white dress, the roses, the fancy reception hall; everything – raise a bunch of children, and live happily ever after. She was naïve, Franny would say. Maybe she was. She had almost started to believe it until she met him, until Christopher came stumbling into her life, and she realised that she'd been right all along.

From then on out, what was real and what wasn't was a blur.

Sometimes, late at night, Lorna would lie in her prison bunk and squeeze her eyes real tight, and she could see reality. Maybe just for a few seconds. It felt like drowning, her lungs filling with water as she struggled to surface for air. She'd open her eyes, and everything would be fine. A bad dream. Of course Christopher loved her. This was all just a misunderstanding.

It wasn't lying. It wasn't. She believed in her heart and her mind that every word that came out of her mouth was true. That's what made it so frustrating. Even after she had gone into his house, surrounded herself with his things – no, he and his new _wife_'s things – she couldn't let it go. He was confused. He didn't know what to do without her. That whore had seduced him. It was the only explanation.

He'd arrived at the prison for visiting hours and for just a moment, she was overwhelmed with joy. Relief, even. He was coming to tell her that he'd made a mistake. That he was waiting for her just as he'd promised. But he'd started shouting and she'd just stood there, panic-stricken, not knowing what to do. She felt once again like she was being dragged under water with no way out, like she was fighting a tide too strong to survive. She could hardly make out what he was saying anymore, the voice in her head battling for dominance over his, and then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw the final blow: Nicky had been standing there the entire time.

Lorna wasn't the smartest girl. She wasn't the prettiest, or the funniest, or the best at conversation. But, somehow, the way Nicky looked at her made her feel like she was. She'd been warned off her as soon as she met her, of course. Sex addict, womaniser, bit of a tough nut. A lot of baggage. Lorna had scoffed. There was no way a girl like Nicky Nichols was going to want to go anywhere near her. How wrong she had been. She'd never slept with a woman, but somehow as soon as it started, she couldn't stop it. Lorna didn't feel good about it at all, but the way Nicky looked at her gave her heart a warmth she couldn't find anyplace else. It was purely physical. No kissing, no promises, no feelings... just sex. That was what she kept telling herself. Even when the other inmates commented on how unusual it was for Nichols to sleep with one girl exclusively. Even when Nicky got her driving privileges, welcomed her into the family of oddballs led by Red, forgot herself and brushed stray strands of hair out of her face over the lunch table. It was just sex. She wasn't Christopher and Christopher was waiting and Lorna couldn't disappoint him.

Eventually, she'd had to call it off. Her mind was becoming more and more fuzzy lately, and she couldn't deal with the guilt any longer (that was it, wasn't it?).

Even when nothing else was real, Nicky was. If anything, breaking it off made it worse.

And now, Nicky, the only real friend she had in the world, knew the truth.

Lorna, tears blurring her vision, ran as far away from the visitation hall as she could, blindly running into several people in her path, and finally stopping at a quiet flight of stairs. Stopping was worse. As soon as she wasn't running, she was thinking, and then she was sobbing, dry-heaving, her mind in overdrive. She couldn't find the off-switch. Her whole body was shaking so violently that she barely even noticed Nicky approaching.

They sat in silence a while, or as close to silence as Lorna could muster as she cried. The space between them was only a couple inches, but it felt like a mile. _She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. _Nicky reached a tentative hand to her arm, and Lorna almost jolted from the unexpected contact. She lifted her hand to stroke her face, and Lorna lost it.

"I'm crazy. I'm a crazy person. There is something really wrong with me."

She thought it would feel good to finally get it out, to acknowledge it. She was seeing clearly for once.

But seeing things clearly also made her realise what a monster she'd become. Made her re-assess everything that had happened, what had landed her in prison in the first place. And that made her want to be sick.

Nicky, despite everything, continued to touch her, to comfort her, to sit closer.

And that was how it all came out. The 'escape'. The realisation that he wasn't who she thought he was. That the whole thing had been a lie all along. And even as it all spilled from her mouth and she felt the bile rising in her throat, the self-loathing, the disgust at her own actions, she felt Nicky brush her thumb gently over her skin, wiping her tears away, as if what she was saying was nothing.

_She hates me. She's gonna hate me. She's got to. I hate me._

"Do you hate me?" she queaked, feeling a fresh set of tears roll off her cheeks as she grabbed desperately for Nicky.

"No, I don't hate you," the response was with an almost laugh which caught Lorna completely off guard, "it's getting clearer every second that you're totally batshit crazy, but you're a beautiful sweet girl. Fuck this guy. So many people are gonna love you."

For a second, she could believe it. If Nicky Nichols believed it, it had to be true. But she knew it wasn't. She knew deep down that she was hideous. That what she had done was unforgivable. That everything she had ever dreamt of as a child was unreachable. Maybe for someone else, but never ever for her. And that tore her apart. That made her feel as though her heart was being ripped right out of her chest.

"No. No. Nobody's gonna love me," she said, finally, defeated. She didn't have the fight left in her anymore.

"I do."

It was two little words. Words Lorna had waited her entire life to hear. But somehow, they meant more than ever. She stared at Nicky wordlessly, searching her eyes and finding nothing but sincerity. Her breath caught in her throat and for just a second she thought about kissing her. But she couldn't do it. _As a friend. She loves you as a friend._

Nicky bundled her into her arms, and Lorna allowed herself to fall apart once more, burying her head in her best friend's chest, and sobbing her heart out.

* * *

They didn't talk about it. Not for a week or so, anyway. Lorna was almost appreciative of it. When she closed her eyes at night, her mind played the conversation they'd had that day on a loop. At first, it felt good. Her bad dreams had been replaced with something much, much more pleasant. If Nicky could believe she was a good person, she could be a good person.

But then she realised that maybe that was the problem.

After a few days, she started distancing herself from Nicky. It hurt her to do so, but she knew it was the only way out. Fortunately, Rosa had hospital visits, and there were a couple of people let out of the SHU for her to transport, so she was kept busy. The rest of the time, she kept her head down. Now that she wasn't making wedding plans, she could busy herself with other things. But it didn't matter how hard she tried to concentrate on crosswords, or reading, or_ anything_ her mind always drifted back to Nicky and she couldn't stop it.

_You're not letting yourself do this again_.

"Hey, kid, you ignoring me or what?"

She'd managed to avoid her in the lunch hall for four days solid, but here she was, Nicky Nichols in the flesh, carrying her tray of tacos, looking to sit down opposite her. Lorna looked down at her own meal and poked at it with her fork, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Nah, I just haven't been feeling well so y'know..."

She saw Nicky's hand coming towards hers before she could stop it, and stopped fiddling with her fork. Slowly, she looked up at her friend and forced a smile. Nicky's big dark eyes were filled with concern, and it made her heart sink even further.

"This is about the Christopher thing isn't it," Nicky said, her voice hushed. She sank into her chair, putting her tray to one side, "you gotta talk to me Morello. I'm worried about you."

"N-nothing to worry about. As you can see, I'm fine," she said, gesturing to herself with her cutlery and letting out a small uneasy laugh.

"Yeah, completely fine," Nicky raised an eyebrow.

Lorna didn't know what to say. That she was doing this for Nicky's own good? That she wanted more than anything to spend time with her, for things to go back to how they were, but she didn't trust herself with it? How could she say that without making things worse?

"Don't push me away, okay? I meant what I said that day, on the stairs? I've got your back, y'know? You're a great girl. Don't let that asshole make you think otherwise."

_I meant what I said._ Lorna swallowed. She wished she could believe that. She wished that Nicky could see how her good intentions were leading nowhere. That they were just making the situation worse.

Fortunately, she didn't have to word a response at all, as Piper and Big Boo arrived at the table before she got the chance, already deep in conversation about something that was entirely irrelevant to _anything_, but a perfect opportunity to change subject.

* * *

_Meet me at our stairs before dinner. Please? -N_

Lorna scrunched the paper up and lay back on her bunk, forcing herself not to cry. She couldn't keep doing this. Eventually, she was going to have to tell her the truth.

* * *

When she arrived at the meeting place, Nicky was sitting with her head in her hands, her hair splayed over her lap. She obviously heard Lorna coming because her head snapped up, and a soft, uneasy smile came to her lips. Lorna forced a smile back, remaining stood.

"I thought you were gonna bail on me. What took you so long?"

"I love you," Lorna blurted, before she could stop herself. She felt her cheeks immediately flush a bright pink, her eyes widen at her own honesty. She clamped a hand over her mouth.

Nicky's expression went from shock to amusement to something else in a shot. Eventually, she patted the space beside her on the step, running a shaky hand through her wild mane of hair. Lorna hesitated, before taking a seat beside her, ensuring there was a reasonable space between them.

"I didn't mean to- I mean, I wasn't- I-"

"Stop, will you?" Nicky said, her voice unusually soft, "do you not recall a conversation we had in this exact same spot about a week ago? I mean, I didn't expect you to say it back or whatever but it's not like it's worth freaking out over. For the record, so do I. Love you, I mean."

Lorna looked at her lap miserably, "yeah, as a friend. I know. I'm part of the family, right? But I-I didn't mean it like that, I-"

"Me either."

Taking a moment to process this information, Lorna slowly looked up at Nicky, noting again the look of sincerity on her face, the way her eyes had softened. She looked awkward, but then it occurred to Lorna that maybe she had never had cause to say those words before. She rubbed her palms on her knees, suddenly aware that they were sweaty, and that her pulse was racing, the loud thumping echoing through her whole body.

_This isn't real_, she told herself, closing her eyes.

She felt Nicky's fingers against her skin, cupping her chin, and opened her eyes. She had moved closer, was studying her face in a way she hadn't really before. Lorna felt too hot, suddenly conscious of every single mark on her own face, every single impurity.

"I can't do this to you," she said quietly, refusing to meet Nicky's eyes.

"I'm a big girl Morello, I can make my own decisions. And I choose you. I'd always choose you."

She shook her head, feeling tears prick at her eyes, "no no you don't understand. I... I'm not right. No one deserves to have to deal with me, y'know? Least of all you Nicky. I-I care too much about you to do that, to put you through tha-"

Nicky silenced her with a kiss; their first kiss. It was gentle and firm at the same time, Nicky's lips soft against hers. Unable to stop herself, Lorna kissed back, melting against Nicky's touch. She couldn't remember a single moment in her life that had felt more real.

"You know how long I've wanted to do that?" Nicky said after a moment, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Nicky-"

She pressed a finger over Morello's smudged red lips, "we've got plenty of time to talk about it okay. Time is definitely not something we're short of. I just want you to know that I mean it. I want to help you. To look after you. It was never just sex for me, you know that, right? And all this stuff with Christopher... you can get help. You can turn it around. I want to be the person that helps you turn it around."

Lorna sighed, looking up at her with tears in her eyes, "you already have."

* * *

A/N: this is probably a good time to say a big thank you to everyone who commented and favourited my previous two stories. You guys are great. Thanks for welcoming me into the fandom!


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